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I don’t know bro…

 21-04-2023

I just can’t be myself bro. I get used to keep my shit with myself so I can’t be a burden for anyone. Because I got no one around me when I’m broken, and I got no proper friend for long time. Everyone stayed around me, just here for reason that they can use me. My parents think they emotionally support me fuck what they think, my parents don’t even know what the hell I’m doing, what I’m into.

I’m not saying I got no friends. I got them but with a value of tissue in their life. Everyone is the same except few. With I got used to the fact everyone is temporary and I accepted the fact I don’t need anyone. 

Then I got some group people who showed me some respect for who am I. They accepted me for who am I. I don’t feel good even around them too. Because they only think about me when I’m with them. I’m not saying they need to take care of me at all times. But the thing they only answer the call and reply the messages. They never started something. I got used to fact that I need to start. And I don’t even care to start a conversation, if they make me feel they want me.

I never how it would be felt like someone actually wants me for who the hell I’m. I want to define “I’m” for you guys : I’m something living in a system with some organs with defects which thrive to make a body to be alive : which in terms mean I got problem with brain : “I don’t think normally, I got Autism, I got Insomnia, And the major thing is I got problem of overthinking, And finally I’m bisexual, I got DID, why not PTSD too”, With this thing going on I lost the hope and trust among people. Even my closest don’t actually knew what is going through in my head all the time.

In the process I found one person who actually felt like home, someone who cared for me from the first day we meet even before to get to know me. She messaged me first asking how I’m doing, she was the person who started the conversation almost all the time, I don’t what can possibly happen if ever don’t get to meet her. Soon my feelings are catching up. Then my inner selves are started to manifest they started to question if she going to stay with you forever. That’s the point where the conflict is started between me with myself for her. I’m heart is like she is the who cared for you, because it was the first time that I received care in my life till now. And brain is like you getting used to it, you knew how it be hurting if you get attached. And for the first time I let my heart think.

That’s the mistake I did, you something how fucking hard is to live if knew what coming next in the future, My fear is that “In somewhere future, she is not with you ? huh.. What I gonna do, DIE!.”

I’m not saying I can’t live without her I’m just Living without her is walking hell for me.

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